Why do we ignore those scary red flags early in the dating stage? Do we want to believe something that we always wanted – that someone maybe is textbook perfect, careful, attending and willing to walk that extra mile for you? Until you find out that he was kissing someone else after you just left and want to get an immediate lobotomy… Or until you find her flirting with 10 guys in her inbox and your eyes bleed from the initial shock.
To my surprise, there are a lot of manipulators out there, even more than I expected. And you should remember that every time you make an excuse for someone. Because obviously, it’s better to be safe than sorry – If they are a decent, human being then with some time he/she will prove to be someone that is worthy of you and to be honest, there are some situations where red flags can deceive us – you can create them out of nowhere because of your own issues. For example – maybe you have low self-esteem and when a girl likes you, you tend to react as if she is crazy – damn right she is, how can she like someone like you? Do you see where I am going with this one?
Firstly, I must mention, this blog post is written solely by my own conclusions, I am not a psychologist or a certified dating coach so all I wanted to do is express my own opinion 😀
So, how will you know when they are real or fake?
True Red Flags
I get why you won’t give up on a person just because of seeing some red flags. If you broke it off while in that initial new dating stage, the fantasy of what could have been would kill you and drive you crazy over time. You will hardly go on if you lost someone before even having them, especially if they seem like someone with whom you could have had a really awesome relationship.
In the end, people choose to ignore that gut feeling that screams – run for your life in the name of trying to change someone and make a relationship work. You know what happens next – excuses, excuses! “She is a nice person, it doesn’t matter so much that she forgot to call me for a few weeks…” or “He really wants to be with me, it’s just that he is really busy”…Oh, please, if you find yourself being in a position of denial multiple times, do me a favor – be thankful for the experience, pick up your coat and leave immediately because the cost for staying is too high.
Every single person can find a way to express his/her interest for you or make a grand gesture. I don’t care if it rains, or if the timing is not convenient, or if she/he is busy – there is no exception for this rule. People will find a way when they are really into you. That is an investment. That is trying. That is someone willing to work on the problems. If someone is trying to manipulate you they will give you little breadcrumbs and expect you to hang onto those, then drag you along for some more. They will never tell you what’s really going on and if you find yourself constantly making red flag excuses for this person which invests nothing or very little in your relationship, let them go and move on because those are some true red flags.
Fake Red Flags
Before the knowledge of a “red flag nature”, wait a little while and analyze the situation. When you find a red flag about someone, don’t go into panic mode instantly, think about it and maybe talk with your closest friends. Not the ones that would be like – dump him/her immediately without having a second thought, but the ones that are more realistic about things.
As I said, you might find red flags in people due to your own personal issues which comes in a form of defense mechanisms. Let’s go into this subject through a simple example. Please understand that I will be not talking about some horrible dealbreakers. If someone does something unbearable or unforgivable (a bit subjective but nevertheless, your own peace is most important) then definitely hit that block & delete button. You have my blessing 😀
For the sake of this example, imagine you’re a girl going on a date with a guy 😀 If he is a bit late on your first date, that doesn’t mean that he is extremely irresponsible – simply the traffic was surprisingly bad at that time of the day. If he continues with this behavior, then maybe he doesn’t value your time and you can be sure that that is a solid red flag that can turn into a dealbreaker. But don’t go dumping him over for being late a few minutes, because sometimes stupid things happen without our consent. And your mom being late on your school plays has nothing to do with him and this situation. Don’t drag your insecurities everywhere you go.
As for the guy, if he really cares about your opinion, he will invest in trying to be on time next time. And this goes for… pretty much everything. Investment is key.
I am sorry to say that from my experience, red flags usually mean trouble. Like, one out of ten is a fake one. Or maybe I am a bit bitter. But I am fairly certain that when you are in that honeymoon phase with someone and he/she seems perfect, you are practically an idiot with a potato brain high on hormones. So, you must take the situation and the circumstances into consideration, take some time and think about it, talk with your close friends and try to get a reasonable conclusion.
Overall, the lesson is – never be a potato head in love and ignore red flags. Take notice of them and don’t let your guard down – wait to find out if they are a reflection of your own issues or if they are a dealbreaker and the person you’re dating is a real piece of crap.
Now, that was some tough love 😀