Love and the involvement of other people

How often should other people indirectly be involved in your love life? How do you know if your partner is crossing the line? Or let me rephrase that, how do you know if your partner is crossing your line? Is that normal? Is engaging in other dates and conversations something minor and inoffensive?

You may notice your partner looking at other people and assume that that is a direct offense over your relationship and your ego. But, there is a thin line between exaggerating and being reasonably concerned. There is also a thin line between your partner being normal while concluding that someone is attractive and him/her being actually attracted to someone else.

As a disclaimer, I must say that further on in this post I will speak very subjectively. Some points will be explained solely on my own perspective, so please keep that in mind 🙂

Okay, so let’s imagine a hypothetical situation.

You are with your partner in a club/bar/bus station etc. A handsome, attractive member of the opposite sex is passing by and you notice a reaction from your significant other. Or maybe you may notice that your partner is following some suspicious looking fellas/girls on social media. Is that completely normal? Should you make a scene? Maybe rip his/her eyeballs off? 😀

Well, it all depends on the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting to go ballistic and physically hurt your partner (it will probably end badly 😀 ) but you can look for cues in his/her behavior. Because there is one thing that is important – and that is how your partner responds and reacts to those other attractive people

There are several options, let’s tackle into them: .

1. He/she can share a look with someone else and turn around quickly. Your partner is just acknowledging that there are other beautiful people on this planet which is true. He/she can see some individual and have the conclusion inside his head that this person is attractive – and that is all. There are no additional thoughts about that person and there is nothing else that could jeopardize your relationship. He/she does not have any sexual tension with this person and is not fantasizing about them – it is pretty much harmless.

Those people on social media – they are solely for fun and there is nothing harmful in following some Instagram model here and there. They are not engaging in something with them, it is just simple biology – there are handsome people out there and everybody wants to take a peek at pretty things and admire their beauty. You do it, I do it. That does not mean that we don’t love our partners, husbands, wives…It means we are human and biologically premade for looking around, seeking for someone special and engaging with potential partners. But, when you find that special person, the only thing that remains is simply “observing here and there”. And out of all those other people, she/he chose you and continues to do so.

Sincerely, my belief is that everybody’s entitled to look around and have an opinion – “wow, she/he is so beautiful and handsome” but that’s all. No more engagement than that statement. What? She is scrolling through her feed which includes handsome guy models she followed? This is normal. He glanced at some girl who is standing in front of you? Again, normal.

Let me tell what is not normal in my opinion.

2. The other debatable version of this would be if your partner is really attracted physically to some other person. I mean like, really thinking about it. You can notice this, people, in general, are pretty obvious when it comes to sexual interest. I found this issue to be very subjective and people are reacting differently according to their own principles, morals, traditional beliefs and childhood values. What is normal for me, might be nonsense for someone else and we must accept that. Let’s dive into it now.

For example – when a beautiful girl passes by, your partner can turn his head and watch this person for a while. Your reaction can vary, it all depends on your values and experiences as I mentioned already. You can feel offended, hurt and more insecure – this person is valuing someone else while pointing out so clearly that he is attracted to that person. You can laugh it off and decide that is not something important or you can even engage in that process, discuss that other person and join your partner’s admiration.

Whatever it is, you are not wrong. You are who you are and nobody should tell you that you are being dramatic, overreacting or accuse you of being cold and never jealous like you don’t care about the relationship. Maybe he is “drooling” over that girl in the bar or she is a bit obsessed with her colleague’s Facebook timeline. Whatever it is, you can clearly conclude that this case is different than the first one. That is what I am trying to explain here – the difference between only thinking about someone’s beauty and wanting someone because of their beauty.

If you notice that your partner is giving more attention than he/she should to other people then maybe it’s time to open up and tell him/her how you feel. Do you remember my opinion before – how the thought of “wow, she/he is so beautiful and handsome” is normal? Well in this second case that line would have an extra part of “…I wish I could spend some time alone with her/him…” and I am not sure if that is something that anybody deserves.

I personally think that there might be a problem if someone is not just concluding that other people are good looking, but when they are seriously attracted and fantasizing about them – you never know if their fantasy might enlarge into something real and more serious because when your partner secretly wishes to engage in other relationships, one night stands or something similar it may seem that he/she is not getting everything he/she needs in your current relationship according to his/her needs.

It’s not that the problem is in you or them, it’s just you are not compatible enough to fulfill yourself on every level. And again, this is only my opinion and I am talking about people who might find this behavior offensive. If you both like to talk and engage in fantasies about other people as a couple then that is perfectly fine and there is nothing incompatible about you two because you fit each other perfectly. I just think that those couples need to set some kind of boundaries but that is a whole other topic, I will maybe share my thoughts in some other blog post.

3.   Okay, I am not going to be kind on this one. The third situation is when your partner actually engages in a conversation, a flirtation or makes an effort to do so. This is plain impolite and rude towards you because he/she is not even trying to be respectful and treat you the way you deserve.
And yes, you may say that we are biologically driven but we are not animals, we have something called conscience.

And believe me, if you see something like this, you should be alarmed. I don’t care if he says that that conversation on Instagram is harmless and there are no hidden intentions. Or if she is suddenly laughing with that random boy at the bar while exchanging phone numbers. No one engages in a conversation with someone he/she doesn’t know out of boredom or for the purpose of meeting new friends. That kind of behavior doesn’t exist on social media – or if it does, it’s truly rare because people who start conversations with someone unknown without any obvious purpose tend to have romantic or sexual intentions. It may only be possible if they discuss something professional, some information or scientific topic of interest. You may like to engage in a conversation with a like-minded individual, but as I said – that is really rare.

They may say things like – “That was nothing” and try to ‘sell’ their theories on you but the truth is they don’t really care about you. If not, they may be really immature and have no clue about their surroundings and think that that kind of behavior is perfectly fine. Or, very insecure and want to reassure their broken image by getting attention from members of the opposite sex.

Either way, you don’t need those people. I am not saying that those people are bad human beings, I am just saying that they are bad for you and vice versa. That kind of relationship is disrespectful for the both of you and you deserve more than someone who is obviously running around looking for trouble and embarrassing you over and over again.

When someone is romantically, sexually and emotionally fulfilled, he/she won’t even consider doing something so stupid and reckless because that person really wants to be with you. That doesn’t mean that looking around and acknowledging that someone is beautiful is forbidden. And of course, there are always some exceptions but I am not going into those people psychological issues today.

According to me, everything is okay until the moment when you feel that your partner is emotionally or sexually included/fantasizing about other individuals. If that bothers you, consider finding yourself someone else who will make you feel peaceful and secure because you deserve it. Other than that, a sneak peek here and there is not something you should worry about, after all, don’t we all do it from time to time? 🙂

Let me know what you think, I would love to hear your viewpoints and experiences 🙂

Love you,
Aleksandra

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